can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
