I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
dude. I can hear the air.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
