I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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