this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
