Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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