I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So many bounce houses so little time
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
