Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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