Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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