A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you never un-have a 4some
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
