So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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