the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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