So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
