It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
