OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
