ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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