Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
