Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
