i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
His nipple licking is glorious
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