So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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