Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
