After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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