i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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