The maid of honor just puked.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
