I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
