I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
