Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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