dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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