The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
