I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
