Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
