I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
