Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
