Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
