I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
