ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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