Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
