Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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