everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There r osticjed everywhere
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
