he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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