My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
