"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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