this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
