i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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