his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
