I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
