I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
