I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
