Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
