You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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