they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
